情感關係中女性失去自我的經驗與自我的轉化
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2011
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本研究旨在探究情感關係中女性失去自我與自我轉化的經驗，希望經由對女性內在經驗的貼近，瞭解：（1）在關係中失去自我的女性其內在經驗為何？（2）在關係中失去自我的女性，其在關係發展與結束歷程中自我的轉化經驗為何？（3）女性在關係中自我經驗之文化理解為何？以期讓女性在關係中的自我經驗能夠更清楚透徹的被自己、社會與相同境遇的女性所覺察與理解。
本研究透過研究邀請函及經驗調查問卷選取在一段情感關係中曾具有深刻自我經驗的四位女性進行深度訪談。訪談資料採取紮根理論的分析方法，獲得研究結果如下：
一、情感關係中女性失去自我的經驗
四位受訪者在關係中失去自我的經驗內涵，包含了五大共同面向：
（一）、失去覺察：反映受訪者在關係中「沒有覺察問題」以及「沒有覺察自己內在的感受」。包含：「沒有覺察自己的不斷退讓」、「沒有覺察單向付出單方調整的互動」；以及因為「另有專注的焦點，忽略自己的感受」、「為護持關係與生活與內在感受隔離」、「未能理解自己的感受」。
（二）、失去表達：反映受訪者在關係中因關係或自體內在種種的因素，而無法自由表現自己的意志、感受、與行動的情況，包括「無法自我表達」、「自我壓抑難以表達」以及「無能為力放棄表達」。其中「無法表達」包含「未明確形成的想法，無法清楚表達自己」、「自我陷入混亂，無法言語」、「身體情緒充斥，說不出話」；「自我壓抑難以表達」包括：「情感與自我受拒後壓抑自我」、「對關係的不安全感與不確定感而情緒困擾」、「壓抑自己委曲求全」、「因同理與照顧對方，而自我退讓」、「維持乖順自抑的女性形象」、「壓抑不表現生氣」、「壓抑不被接受的情緒」、「內省內求與自我要求自我調整」；「無能為力放棄表達」則反映受訪者在關係中努力後經驗到種種無能為力而放棄表達的情況。
（三）、失衡的互動：反映關係中兩人的互動，失去了對等與平衡，呈現一種持續的單邊傾倒的狀態，包括：「犧牲照顧中的情感依賴」、「在對方的推託要索中，不斷承擔給予」、「單向的配合退讓」等。與「失去表達」與「失去覺察」之間有著可能的關連性。
（四）、失去自信自我價值自我力量：反映受訪者在關係中諸多情況下導致其自信的損傷、自我價值的貶損、和自我力量的削減，包括：「被拒絕否定損傷自我價值」、「在自我抑制中失去自我力量」、「無法控制自己的無能感無力感」、「不明所以無能為力的沮喪與自我懷疑」、「對關係中自己的懷疑與無法接受」、「受對方影響的自我知覺與感受」、「對分手的自我懷疑與自責」、「在跟隨討好中失去自信自我力量」。
（五）、失去原有生活：反映受訪者因對情感關係的投入看重，「原有人際及活動的放棄」；以及在情感關係有所起伏之時受困其中，「工作學業及生活的脫軌」，甚或因為對關係的堅持不被理解，而遭到「親友的離開與放棄」。
二、關係發展與結束歷程中女性自我的轉化
受訪者歷經上述情感關係中失去自我的經驗後，在關係發展與結束的歷程，陸續產生自我轉化的經驗，包括：（一）、「和自己關係的改變」：受訪者從過去在關係中對自己想法感受的不加覺察、對自己的陌生，到對自己的想法與感受，對自己的期待、內在需求、行為反應模式有更多的覺察、了解、接納、甚至價值的再澄清的變化。包括：「覺察過程中自己的感受」、「覺察自己在關係中的狀態」、「更認識接納自己」、「困頓中價值的再確認」。（二）、「人我關係的協調與改變」：受訪者從自我覺察，再擴及到對關係中對方的狀態與關係互動狀態的覺察與了解，並因為此時對自己、對方與關係不同的體悟與理解，形成面對人我關係時想法、感受、需要、期待的調整與改變，包括：「對關係中對方有更清晰的覺察」、「對關係互動有更清晰的覺察」、「覺察肯定自己的需要與感受」、「降低情緒依賴」、「清楚自己的界線，學會尊重自己」、「瞭解在關係中保有自己的重要性」、「在關係中對自我狀態更加敏察」、「對在關係中維持自己的狀況有所警覺」、「自我資源更多，減少表達自己的害怕」、「學會如何維持關係同時保有自己」。
此一自我轉化的過程，是一種從關注關係到關注自我、在自我與關係之間往返移動協商、尋求平衡的歷程，符合陳秉華「人我關係中自我協調的歷程」，是一種自我協調的歷程。而其促發因素可能包括：「心理社會背景因素的改變」、「新的學習」、「困頓中的領悟」、「關係焦點移除後覺察內在對自己的愛」、「個體內在應成長的力量」以及「女性發展階段的實現」等。
三、情感關係中女性自我經驗之文化理解
受訪者在情感關係中的自我經驗，也反映其內在所受傳統華人女性自我特徵（包括：「期待對方的疼愛與照顧」、「期待白頭偕老和合的關係」、「關係和對方是生活的重心」、「犧牲自己照顧對方」、「溫順守分」、「內省克己」、「力求和諧避免衝突」等）及西方現代心理特徵的雙重影響（包括：「心靈契合、內在親密的期待」、「相互照顧的想法」、「主動表達的情感」、「對自己的維護」等）。惟相較於西方現代心理特徵，傳統華人心理特徵明顯發揮了更大程度的影響，主導著受訪者的情感、想法與行動，影響著受訪者在關係中自我的展現。
其次，受訪者所具之現代西方文化心理特徵多數內涵皆為現代西方兩性情感中對於情感親密的期待與互動方式，著重個人自我的展現的西方個人取向價值較少出現，則可能反映個體在情感關係中，對個人自我的維護退居於情感關係的追求下，並非普遍存在。
最後，本研究也發現同時受到傳統文化與西方文化的影響，受訪者所具有的傳統性與現代性使其在情感關係中的自我面臨更多的衝突與挑戰。
The research was aimed to study women’s experiences of self loss and self-transformation in relationships, and to analyze: (1) the experiences of women’s self lost in their relationships (2) the self-transforming experience in the process of relationships for women who experienced self loss in relationships (3) the cultural comprehension of women’s experiences in relationships. And it was expected that women’s experiences in relationships could be perceptible and understood by themselves, society, and those sharing the same experiences. The research was based on four interviewees selected from invitations and questionnaires for their profound emotional experiences in relationships. Data were analyzed by grounded theory and found: 1. The experiences of women’s self lost in their relationships There were five common points found: A) No Perception: it showed that participants “did not perceive problems” and “did not perceive their inside feelings” in their relationships including they “did not perceive their concessions,” “did not perceive their one-way devotion and one-way compromises,” and “ignored their feelings just because other focuses,” “secluded their lives and inside feelings from their relationships,” and “did not realize their feelings.” B) No Expression: Due to their relations or various inside factors in relationships, participants couldn’t express their wills, feelings, and actions including they “couldn’t express themselves,” “constrained themselves,” and “forewent expression helplessly.” That they “couldn’t express themselves” included “no specific idea to express clearly,” “too chaotic to speak,” and “too agitated to speak.” That they “constrained themselves” included “self-constraint after being rejected in feeling and self,” “bother by insecureness and uncertainty,” “compromise by self-constraint,” “compromise because sympathized and cared the other,” “self-constraint to keep women image,” “self-constraint from anger,” “constrain from rejective feelings,” and “introspection, self-requests and self-adjustment.” That they “forewent expression helplessly” reflected all situations that participants had tried but failed, so they gave up to express in relationships. C) Unbalanced Interaction: it reflected that their interactions were unbalanced showing a continuous one side devotion including “to sacrifice for emotional dependency,” “to shoulder and offer continuously while the other was with many excuses,” and “only one side to compromise and yield.” It might have some connections with “no expression” and “no perception.” D) No self-confidence, no self-merit and no self-strength: it reflected that many situations hurt participants’ self-confidence, lessened their self-merit and reduced their self-strength including “to hurt self-merit by being denied and rejected,” “to lose self-strength by self-constraint,” “cannot control their helplessness and powerlessness,” “being frustrate and self-doubt helplessly by unknown reasons,” “being self-doubt and unacceptable in relationships,” “self-perception and feelings were influenced by the other,” “being self-doubt and self-blame for parting,” and “lose self-confidence and self-strength while please the other.” E) No original life: it reflected that participants gave up their original relations and activities, and disordered their works, studies and lives, or was left or given up from relatives. 2. Women’s self-transformation in the process of relationships A) The change of relation with oneself: “to perceive one’s feelings in the process,” “to perceive one’s status in relationships,” “to know and accept oneself more,” and “to reconfirm one’s merit in fatigue.” B) The compromise and change of relation with the other: “to perceive the other more clearly in relationship,” “to perceive interaction more clearly in relationship,” “to perceive and confirm one’s demands and feelings,” “to lessen emotional dependency,” “to clarify one’s bottom line and respect oneself,” “to understand the importance of being oneself in relationships,” “to perceive one’s status in relationships,” “to alert and keep one’s situation in relationships,” “to enrich resources and lessen one’s fear of self-expression,” and “to being oneself and maintain relationship at the same time.” 3. Cultural comprehension of women’s experiences in relationships Participants’ experiences in relationships also reflected the double effects: features of Chinese traditional women self and of western modern psychology. However, as compared with features of western modern psychology, self-expression in relationship was influenced by features of Chinese traditional psychology much more. Besides, most participants’ concepts toward western modern psychology were to expect an intimate interaction in relationships, but to focus on self-expression, which might reflect a fact that to be oneself was submit to pursue relationship that it’s not common. Furthermore, this study also found that participants influenced by traditional culture and western culture have faced more conflicts and challenges in relationships.
The research was aimed to study women’s experiences of self loss and self-transformation in relationships, and to analyze: (1) the experiences of women’s self lost in their relationships (2) the self-transforming experience in the process of relationships for women who experienced self loss in relationships (3) the cultural comprehension of women’s experiences in relationships. And it was expected that women’s experiences in relationships could be perceptible and understood by themselves, society, and those sharing the same experiences. The research was based on four interviewees selected from invitations and questionnaires for their profound emotional experiences in relationships. Data were analyzed by grounded theory and found: 1. The experiences of women’s self lost in their relationships There were five common points found: A) No Perception: it showed that participants “did not perceive problems” and “did not perceive their inside feelings” in their relationships including they “did not perceive their concessions,” “did not perceive their one-way devotion and one-way compromises,” and “ignored their feelings just because other focuses,” “secluded their lives and inside feelings from their relationships,” and “did not realize their feelings.” B) No Expression: Due to their relations or various inside factors in relationships, participants couldn’t express their wills, feelings, and actions including they “couldn’t express themselves,” “constrained themselves,” and “forewent expression helplessly.” That they “couldn’t express themselves” included “no specific idea to express clearly,” “too chaotic to speak,” and “too agitated to speak.” That they “constrained themselves” included “self-constraint after being rejected in feeling and self,” “bother by insecureness and uncertainty,” “compromise by self-constraint,” “compromise because sympathized and cared the other,” “self-constraint to keep women image,” “self-constraint from anger,” “constrain from rejective feelings,” and “introspection, self-requests and self-adjustment.” That they “forewent expression helplessly” reflected all situations that participants had tried but failed, so they gave up to express in relationships. C) Unbalanced Interaction: it reflected that their interactions were unbalanced showing a continuous one side devotion including “to sacrifice for emotional dependency,” “to shoulder and offer continuously while the other was with many excuses,” and “only one side to compromise and yield.” It might have some connections with “no expression” and “no perception.” D) No self-confidence, no self-merit and no self-strength: it reflected that many situations hurt participants’ self-confidence, lessened their self-merit and reduced their self-strength including “to hurt self-merit by being denied and rejected,” “to lose self-strength by self-constraint,” “cannot control their helplessness and powerlessness,” “being frustrate and self-doubt helplessly by unknown reasons,” “being self-doubt and unacceptable in relationships,” “self-perception and feelings were influenced by the other,” “being self-doubt and self-blame for parting,” and “lose self-confidence and self-strength while please the other.” E) No original life: it reflected that participants gave up their original relations and activities, and disordered their works, studies and lives, or was left or given up from relatives. 2. Women’s self-transformation in the process of relationships A) The change of relation with oneself: “to perceive one’s feelings in the process,” “to perceive one’s status in relationships,” “to know and accept oneself more,” and “to reconfirm one’s merit in fatigue.” B) The compromise and change of relation with the other: “to perceive the other more clearly in relationship,” “to perceive interaction more clearly in relationship,” “to perceive and confirm one’s demands and feelings,” “to lessen emotional dependency,” “to clarify one’s bottom line and respect oneself,” “to understand the importance of being oneself in relationships,” “to perceive one’s status in relationships,” “to alert and keep one’s situation in relationships,” “to enrich resources and lessen one’s fear of self-expression,” and “to being oneself and maintain relationship at the same time.” 3. Cultural comprehension of women’s experiences in relationships Participants’ experiences in relationships also reflected the double effects: features of Chinese traditional women self and of western modern psychology. However, as compared with features of western modern psychology, self-expression in relationship was influenced by features of Chinese traditional psychology much more. Besides, most participants’ concepts toward western modern psychology were to expect an intimate interaction in relationships, but to focus on self-expression, which might reflect a fact that to be oneself was submit to pursue relationship that it’s not common. Furthermore, this study also found that participants influenced by traditional culture and western culture have faced more conflicts and challenges in relationships.
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情感關係, 失去自我, 自我轉化