關於失落經驗之擺放的自我敘說

Abstract

本文旨在透過自我敘說的方式，描述我在大四畢業前夕失去母親之前與之後的生命故事。在回顧中，擁抱自己的悲傷歷程，理解我看待自己與世界的脈絡。我嘗試去整理，當我成為一個照顧者，在原生家庭、婚後家庭、以及身為助人工作者上的失落經驗。故事的敘說從喪母經驗開始，延伸到其他重要他人與我的關係，在故事中，我在「自我」與「他人」中掙扎，承擔了許多的照顧者負荷，卻忽略了自身的悲傷與苦痛，我希望藉由與文獻的對話，理解自己的失落悲傷經驗，並整理在每個重要關係中自己的樣貌。研究結果部分，我在書寫後，面對了真實的自我，擴展了我對原先經驗的視野，發展了新的詮釋，也試圖在他人、自我上，用新的角度與他人互動、與自己連結。研究貢獻在於，我提供自己的失落經驗與反身獲得的意義，分享給所有在失落中受困的人們，讓彼此的悲傷聲音能夠被聽見，並能看見在悲傷背後，自己擁有的力量。

This study aimed to describe my life story before and after losing my mother during my senior year in college, via self-narration. Through reflection, I embraced my grieving process, and understood the context of how I see myself and the world. I attempted to sort out my loss experiences as I was becoming a caregiver in my original family, married family, and as a professional helper.Departing from my experience of losing my mother, then extends to the relationship between significant others and me. In the story, I was struggled with the “self” and the “others,” took on much caregiver burden as I should have, but ignored my own grief and pain. Through dialogue in literature, I hoped to understand my own experience of loss and grief, and to sort out who I am in each of these important relationships.Results of this study showed that after writing, I have faced my true self, expanded my vision of my original experience, developed new interpretations. Furthermore, I have attempted to interact with others and connect with myself from a new perspective.The contribution of this study is that I shared my experiences of loss and the meanings I have gained from self-reflection, offering to those who are stuck in grief, so that sad voices can be heard, and be able to see our strengths behind the sorrow.