我的負傷之旅-一個負傷療癒者的自傳式民族誌

Abstract

本論文以自傳式民族誌為研究方法，研究者本身為喪親之諮商心理師，期待透過自身經驗的整理與現有的理論對話，以理解喪親者的內在世界與所處之文化脈絡。同時希望這樣的對話能夠釐清諮商專業與個人傷痛如何交互影響，造就「負傷療癒者」的道路脈絡與個人的生存意義。 文本資料從研究者近十年來陸續喪親的痛苦經驗開始寫起，進而敘說原生家庭及後來建立的家庭故事，最後於身處的助人專業與個人傷慟之碰撞暫時畫下句點。 透過文本與文獻資料對話，研究者個人經驗與他者經驗真實碰撞，讓研究者此刻的自己、閱讀過他者經驗的自己、寫文本的自己，以及文本中的自己，這四個自己互相對話書寫，進而產出本篇論文討論的兩大區塊：喪親世界與助人專業。在喪親世界的區塊中，研究者整理出以下幾個主軸：不可避免的自我中心、與他者共存於不相容的兩個世界、悲淒哀嚎之外的忌憤、對宗教與喪葬體系的撫慰無感，進而整理出屬於自己的撫慰體系及生存意義。研究者認為唯有貼近自己內在需求的喪葬儀式及產生真實交會的關係之家才能提供真正的傷慟撫慰，而努力為了兒子活出自我則形成研究者後半段人生的生存意義。在助人專業領域的區塊，研究者從助人領域的環境中尋得關係之家帶來的撫慰與力量，進而從負傷療癒者的文獻資料與個人經驗對話中產出追尋負傷療癒者的路徑與條件。心理治療者允許自己的傷痛進來與個案的傷痛共融，負傷療癒的歷程才會展開。而治療者本身的完整性，能夠釐清個人傷痛，接納內在脆弱，並看懂自己的因應模式更是成為負傷療癒者的必要條件。 最後，研究者回顧並反思採用書寫個人經驗的研究方式來撰寫論文的意義。真實書寫的歷程唯有在一個溫暖支持的信任環境下得以發生，如此的歷程因靠近真實的自己而產生撫慰，內在傷痛因著被撫慰而產生力量，因為產生的心靈力量得以理解接納自己與他人，最後因著這份理解與接納，也更能看清自己與他人生存的意義及所處的環境脈絡。

Through the dialogue between personal experiences and existing theories, this autoethnographic research seeks to understand the inner world and socio-cultural context of the bereaved researcher who is a counseling psychologist. With the role of helping professional facing these devastating losses, the reciprocal influences between helping profession and personal wound is also explored in order to construct the path of becoming a wounded healer. Narratives began from continuously facing the deaths of family members, to the researcher’s original family, family built by her and her husband, and ended at the part of learning and doing helping profession. Two central narratives were revealed in the analysis including my bereavement world and helping profession. Six themes related to my bereavement world were uncovered: unavoidable self-centered, essentially and ineradicably incommensurable world from others, unspeakable anger and envy besides grief and sadness, inconsolable religious belief system and traditional funeral rituals, my own consoling and supporting system, and the meaning of life. The researcher found that only the rituals satisfied her inner need of security and the “relational home” with genuine encounters can console the grief of loss. Additionally, to live for herself in order to live for her son became the meaning of her life. In regard to the part of helping profession, with the strength and consolation from the “relational home” in helping professional context, the path of becoming a wounded healer was revealed from the dialogue between personal narratives and existing theories. The wholeness of a psychotherapist is the main determinant for being a wounded healer. Understanding personal pain, accepting inner vulnerability, and clarifying coping strategy would lead to the path of wholeness. The process of wounded healing would be activated only when the psychotherapist with wholeness allowed her inner wound to have a genuine encounter with her client’s wound. The meaning of writing personal experiences as a research method is discussed at the end of this study. Genuine writing process can only happened under a trusty and holding environment. The grief and pain have been consoled with this writing process of getting closed to the genuine self. The strength coming from this consoling process deepens the understanding and acceptance of the researcher herself and others. With this deepened and genuine understanding and acceptance of self and others, the life meaning and social contexts of the researcher and other bereaved people can be seen and the comprehended.